NO WORRIES.

++ From a friend of a friend's away message:
"Eventually, all the pieces fall into place...until then, laugh at the confusion, live for the moment, and know that everything happens for a reason."
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no better advice or statement could be made at the moment. there is some unforseen plan (from my eyes) and i'm ok with that. i know i can't control everything and i'm ok with that.
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my mom has a way with being chinese. it seems like more and more whenever her and i have talks, she always manages to throw in an ancient chinese proverb. naturally she doesn't tell it to me in chinese (like it probably should be or would be the most true) because well then i wouldn't be able to understand it. she translates it into english (which sometimes it loses its full meaning, but the general gist of it comes through.) the most recent proverbs she has told me in the past 6 months are these:
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there are two men in a village. both of them have had ailments which have bothered them for the longest time. they both have the exact same medical condition, a cut on their thumb which no matter what they do, always opens up overnight and bleeds. the first guy goes to his doctor and says, "doctor, i have a cut on my thumb and no matter what i do, it will never heal. i've tried everything." the doctor says, "don't worry, i will supply you with a life-time worth of bandages and if you come to my office i will treat your wound and bandage your thumb everyday until you die and your problem will be solved." the guy says, "thanks, doctor." and he does this for the rest of his life. the second guy at the same time goes to his doctor and says, "doctor, i have a cut on my thumb and no matter what i do, it will never heal. i've tried everything." the doctor says, "don't worry, i will cut your thumb off right now. it will hurt while i'm doing this, but it will heal properly, you will never have to worry about your cut again and you will never have to come back to my office." the guy says, "ok doctor. do it." the doctor severes the guys thumb and he is in pain for the next couple of months, but as foretold his cut heals properly and he never has to revisit the doctor for his ailment.

the moral of the proverb is sometimes it is better for quick sharp pain which will heal than to have a cut which will bleed for the rest of your life.
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the second proverb: there are two men in a village. one of them lives one the west side of town next to a well and the local spring, however his home faces the wall which surrounds the village to keep out intruders and attackers. the other man lives on the east side of town where the grass is always green, he has servants to do all of his hosuework and prepare him meals. his house sits on the top of a hill overlooking the rest of the village. he is well-stocked and lives very well, however he is so far secluded from the rest of the village that others must yell and chime bells when they want to approach his domain. both men are happy with where they live until a fire breaks out in the city center and quickly spreads in all directions burning everything in its path. the fire reaches both homes at the same time and both men scramble to save their possessions. the first man walks three steps out of his front door and dips his bucket into the well and local spring and douses the flames which are burning his house. the second man runs through the gate surrounding his house and down the hill through the town center and over the spring. he fills up a bucket and runs back through the town center up the hill, through the gate and manages to throw half a bucket on the fire which is starting to engulf his home. his home burns to the ground.

the moral of the proverb is sometimes it is better to live humbly and closer to the water than it is to live well and on the far side of town, for when fire breaks you will be closest to water and the first to put down the flames.
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i understand these on a very basic philosophical sense, but i'm unsure i am able to read very far into their meanings at this point in my life. it seems like sometimes we are so close to the fire and i spend so much time putting out the fire, that i don't even know what is on fire. there is some larger plan in which everything i do falls into and i haven't the smallest clue to what that is. in the whole realm of things, today is but a small bump in the sidewalk which borders an alley which feeds into a street which runs to the boulevard emptying into the highway going across the country to a destination i can't see, beacuse it is so high up in the clouds, that once i finally drive into my gas tank has run empty and i can no longer continue the journey to the final destination, nor do i know what the final destination is, nor can i see ahead of me. the only clear path of vision is behind me, back down through the hole in the clouds down the highway, through the boulevard, down the street into the alley next to the sidewalk where the bump in which i now stand in is completely and utterly clear why it is. i will never reach my final destination and i will never see past the clouds, but thats ok, because i trust and i know my cloud and my mountain is but a bump on this earth, which is but a planet in the galaxy, which is but one galaxy in the vastness of space.
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and i'm ok with that. ++