MEMO FROM THE DOG

++ MEMO FROM THE DOG
.
Things I must remember (in order to keep my present living arrangements):

The garbage collector is not stealing our stuff.
I do not need to suddenly stand straight up when I'm lying under the
coffee table.
I will not roll my toys behind the fridge, behind the sofa or under the bed.
I must shake the rainwater out of my fur before entering the house.
I will not eat the cats' food before they eat it or after they throw it up.
I will stop trying to find the few remaining pieces of clean carpet in the
house when I am about to get sick.
I will not throw up in the car.
I will not roll on dead seagulls, fish, crabs, etc., just because I like
the way they smell.
I will not munch on "leftovers" in the kitty litter box; although they are
tasty, they are not food.
I will not eat any more Kleenex or napkins and then redeposit them in the
back yard after processing.
I will not chew my humans' toothbrushes and not tell them.
I will not chew crayons or pens, especially not the red ones, or my people
will think I am hemorrhaging.
When in the car, I will not insist on having the window rolled down when
it's raining outside.
We do not have a doorbell. I will not bark each time I hear one on television.
I will not steal my Mom's underwear and dance all over the backyard with them.
The sofa is not a face towel; neither are Mom and Dad's laps.
My head does not belong in the refrigerator.
I will not bite the officer's hand when he reaches in for Mom's driver's
license and registration.
I will not play tug-of-war with Dad's underwear when he's on the toilet.
I will not roll around in the dirt right after getting a bath.
Sticking my nose into someone's crotch is not an acceptable way of saying
'hello.'
I will not sit in the middle of the living room and lick my crotch when
company is over.
The cat is not a squeaky toy; so when I play with him and he makes that
noise, it's usually not a good thing. ++