THE CROWD AND ME.

++ WHAT DO YOU do when the remedy to the problem is the root cause of the problem?
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i sometimes feel very alone. its not because i don't have friends. i do. and they try. i know they try. its just that i don't have very many people if any for that matter who i can relate to. i don't have someone who is like me or similar to me who i can look to for advice and guidance. yeah, sure i have my parents. yeah, sure i have my friends. yeah, sure i have mentors. but i don't have someone who is a second-generation half asian, half caucasian who comes from middle-class suburbia who i can look to and confide in. everybody else have people or can easily find people to relate to ethnically and socially. i am surrounded by friends who mean well, but have been brought up without knowing the things they say or without knowing the meanings and consequences of the things they say. my parents raised me as if i were like all my friends, which has brought at least two things to my attention.

1. i am like everyone else, in that i have a heart, a brain, a body, i make my own decisions and live by their consequences.
2. i am not like everyone else, in that i am partly asian, and its even more present in the environment i live and work and play in, the people i hang out with and am friends with, the discussions and language and jokes which come from them.

who do i go to, to talk about things which bother me? do i turn to god? he works on his own time. do i turn to my parents? they sort of haev a clue, but even then they haev different backgrounds and their experiences come from a very different time and different generation. where is 'my crowd'? and yet sometimes when i surrounded by 'my crowd' or dare i say a room full of asians, i feel uncomfortable. other times it doesn't bother me. how would you feel if you had to be in this environment everyday of your life? if you lived and grew up and matured in this environment? would you even know, because you had no other frame of reference? naively no. gradually, yes. over time, yes. what happens after you discover 'how things really are'? what do you say to your friends who have no idea they offend or say derogatory or insensitive comments? would they even know, because its a part of their everyday and even your own everyday language and custom. its alright if they say it and then laugh about it right? i mean its just a joke.. or it has no malicious intent, right? but would they even say it if you weren't around? who do i turn to for help and guidance? talk to me. don't fix me. don't cater to my needs and wants. don't pity me. just talk to me. seriously. right now, its just the crowd and me. ++