LOST IN THE SHUFFLE

++ I THINK I'M getting lost in the shuffle.
according to webster's dictionary:
nostalgia is: 1.a bittersweet longing for things, persons, or situations of the past and 2.the condition of being homesick; homesickness.
memory is: 1.the mental faculty of retaining and recalling past experience and 2.the act or an instance of remembering; recollection.

these are two very specific domains of life of which one refers to the humane, compassionate, unique individual emotion while the other refers to the artificial, mechanized, almost manufactured capture of an instance. i'm struggling right now with these as time goes by as i'm not sure what will be nostalgic and what will be merely memory. its almost a figure/ground study or a macro photo where the subject is extremely sharp in focus while the background blurs. i'm not sure what recollections i will have which i carry with me through the rest of my life. from my childhood i remember things which superfically seem to be arbitrary, things which are funny, not necessarily significant and not necessarily watershed moments, but moments which brought a peak in emotion. i remember things such as the mudhole big ebough to stick your leg in, so we did and my friend lost his shoe and we could never find it. somewhere in the ground is a size 6 shoe burried in the ground about 2.5 feet below the surface. i remember playing soccer in my backyard with my brother and two friends and almost passing out and stumbling to the kitchen to eat a banana because i had forgot to eat dinner the night before, breakfast the day of, and lunch the day of. as soon as i ate the banana i regained vision. i remember playing kickball and the ball got stuck up in the tree and we were unable to dislodge it for 6 months when it finalyl fell down completely deflated and permanently deformed. we threw it away, it wasn't a good ball anyway. i remember having a birthday party when i was 6 and my mom popped popcorn the old-fashioned way with the hot air popcorn popper while my dad added the butter and ushered it to 16 of my friends who were all sleeping over while we watched the last starfighter, a movie about the little kid who becomes a starfighter pilot after beating a video game and saves the universe. i don't think mom and dad slept at all that night. i remember going to my grandparents house to pick raspberries and eating them fresh off the vine. my grandmother would always scold us, but only half heartedly. can grandparents ever truly be mad at their grandchildren when they are young? i remember countless summer days when i would go over to steve's house and wake him up in the morning and he would throw a shoe at me to get me to go away. it never worked. we wasted days playing ping pong and two-square and 'conducting experiments' with fire and flammable liquids such as hair spray, fire starter, gasoline, rubbing alcohol, spray paint, and anything which is possible to burn. graphite doesn't, just so you know. i'm unsure what happy things i will remember from these past six years here. it seems like the more i am here the less fun, happy things occupy my mind and the negative aspects cloud my mind. i don't want to remember people and events for the bad things which happenned or the subsequent reactions. i want to remember sleepless slap-happy nights in studio, road trips to sf and san diego and phoenix, burning models, sledding in the snow, chair races down the hallway, formals on fountain square, dressing up to walk across a bridge, camping at red river gorge, jumping off cliffs at red river gorge, and endless smiles from well-worn friends who i've grown and matured with and who know me better than my parents, brother, old school friends and even high school friends. i want nostalgia.. maybe five for fighting says it the best..
..
100 Years

I'm 15 for a moment
Caught in between 10 and 20
And I'm just dreaming
Counting the ways to where you are

I'm 22 for a moment
She feels better than ever
And we're on fire
Making our way back from Mars

15 there's still time for you
Time to buy and time to lose
15, there's never a wish better than this
When you only got 100 years to live

I'm 33 for a moment
Still the man, but you see I'm a they
A kid on the way
A family on my mind

I'm 45 for a moment
The sea is high
And I'm heading into a crisis
Chasing the years of my life

15 there's still time for you
Time to buy, Time to lose yourself
Within a morning star

15 I'm all right with you
15, there's never a wish better than this
When you only got 100 years to live

Half time goes by
Suddenly you’re wise
Another blink of an eye
67 is gone
The sun is getting high
We're moving on...

I'm 99 for a moment
Dying for just another moment
And I'm just dreaming
Counting the ways to where you are

15 there's still time for you
22 I feel her too
33 you’re on your way
Every day's a new day...

15 there's still time for you
Time to buy and time to choose
Hey 15, there's never a wish better than this
When you only got 100 years to live.
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